The question that sparks caring conversations: How are you…really?

One thing has become clear in conversations with colleagues and friends over the past few weeks and months: Even as life seems to be returning to something approaching “normal,” many of us are still experiencing stress from the ongoing disruptions to daily life. In a myriad of ways, changes wrought by the pandemic have had a lasting — if not permanent — effect, from remote work to social isolation and political divisions.

These adjustments have been a heavy lift for a lot of people. In fact, anxiety and depression have catapulted to all-time highs — with a 25% jump globally since March 2020, according to a report from the World Health Organization.

So, what’s a meaningful way to support your colleagues and loved ones? Even if they’re not experiencing anxiety and depression, a friend can always use a caring check-in — you never know what someone might be struggling with behind a smile. 

As I’ve mentioned in several blog posts, empathy and understanding are always important. But today I’m not talking about the casual “How’s it going?” touchpoint at the virtual watercooler. We need to follow up with that question to get to the heart of the matter, so we can help guide those around us who may be struggling — or merely having a bad day — to support. Here’s how.

Start simply.

It’s easy to strike up a conversation by just saying “Hi. How are you?” Sometimes that’s enough to open the floodgates. My oldest, for instance, wears his heart on his sleeve and will share every deep-down feeling at the slightest encouragement. But more emotionally reserved loved ones may need a little bit of a nudge, which takes us to...

How are you...really?

Follow up if your friend doesn’t elaborate. Personalize your prompt. If you know they’re dealing with something, whether the loss of a family member, feeling stressed or stunned by all the bad news in the world, expand on the specific point. 

A few examples starting with, “How are you…really? and

• I’ve noticed you’ve not been yourself lately…”
• Sometimes the state of the world feels overwhelming…”

Listen – don’t diagnose.

As empathic humans, our natural tendency is to want to remove harm or hurt from our loved ones. When my kids are suffering from a scraped knee or a wannabe bully at school, my impulse is to make the pain stop — immediately. But in the case of emotional distress, that fix-it instinct should be resisted. Instead, pause and simply listen. People need to be able to talk without interruption; whether you call it venting or sharing or confiding, it contributes to their sense of safety. Having said that...

Recognize the possible need for professional support.

Sometimes a friend may need more than just a shoulder to lean on. If it’s clear your loved one is experiencing depression or anxiety beyond the reach of a heartfelt conversation, consider suggesting that a counselor may be able to help. Try to make the suggestion gently, without impatience or urgency, and emphasize they know that there is nothing at all shameful or extraordinary about getting professional support. 

One of the positive things that’s come out of the pandemic is increased accessibility to mental health resources. Many more doctors and counselors provide online services — a game changer for working people or those with disabilities, who may have challenges getting to appointments.

Reassure your friend that you care.

Regardless of whether your “How are you...really?” conversation is a caring heart-to-heart or evolves into a recommendation for professional counseling, reassure your loved one that you’re not going anywhere. No matter how helpful a therapist may turn out to be, knowing that someone cares about you (without being paid) and will always be available to listen or lend a shoulder to lean on, is appreciated.

As I summarized in a previous post, it’s OK not to be OK. And it’s OK —  and very important —  to talk about it. Let’s be there for one another. And if you’re struggling, it’s important to reach out. It’s better to seek help early than to wait for a crisis. (If you or someone you know is in crisis, contact the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or dial 911 in case of emergency.)

What about you? Do you have any suggestions for how to support friends in crisis? Please share your thoughts in the comments — you never know who you might help with just a few kind words. And as always, let’s all Be Well, Work Well.